Regularly Expressing

Category: Humor

  • I Must Have this T-Shirt!

  • Congregation for the Extirpation of Paranormal Menaces (CEPM)

    The best sort of April Fool’s story is one that starts out plausible but weird, then gets progressively stranger until you realize it’s funny and laugh. If the reader passes the story on, believing it to be real, then the joke isn’t fun any more. If the news is too personal or emotionally charged, it’s not fun either. (It’s not funny to fake your death, pretend your pregnant, married, etc.) The personal aspect and emotional impact take the fun out of it. That’s why I really loved this post from Jimmy Akin. He’s a very scholarly Catholic writer who takes great pains to clarify matters of faith, communications from the Vatican, etc. In his April Fool’s piece he creates a masterful narrative that’s as entertaining (I think) as many works of urban fantasy. I started out believing he was serious. About halfway through I realized something was wrong, and maybe a few paragraphs later asked myself, “Wait a minute, what day is this?”

  • Word of Honor

    I’m a character in a novel, I give you my word of honor. Literally. Nelson DeMille used my name in his book. Of course, I’m neither a medic nor have I been to Vietnam.

  • Universal Zombie Care

    I predict that zombie repairs will prove to be the fatal flaw in Obama’s universal health care plan. In no time there will be a massive shortage of fresh gooey brains.

  • Me as an Early Human

    This is what I would look like as an early human–according to an exhibit at the Smithsonian.

  • Neanderthal Romances

    My theory is that this could be the beginning of a whole new line of offbeat romance novels: http://www.genomeweb.com/node/940177?hq_e=el&hq_m=708634&hq_l=1&hq_v=4cb508f503. Imagine the book jacket, “Where can a modern girl of the 50th century BC find a real Caveman, Jill asked herself…”

  • Klingon Campfire Songs

    Translated from the original Klingon, of course.

    1. To the tune of: On Top of Spaghetti

      On top of a blood pie,
All covered with rokeg,
I lost my poor targball,
When somebody snorted.

It rolled off the table,
And on to the floor,
And then my poor targball,
Rolled to Stovokor.

It landed on Kahless,
on top of his head,
and so he condemned it,
to the Barge of the Dead.

So if you are in Gre'thor,
and on food you are short,
and you find a targball,
make sure you don't snort.
    1. To the tune of: Nobody Likes me Everybody Hates me, I think I’ll go eat Worms.

      Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
I think I'll go eat qagh!
Big fat nasty ones,
Half dead sleepy ones,
Oh how they wriggle and squirm!

Down goes the first one,
down goes the second one,
Oh how they spasm in death!
Up comes the first one, 
up comes the second one,
Oh how they spasm in death!

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
I think I'll go eat qagh!
Big fat nasty ones,
Half dead sleepy ones,
51 varieties of qagh!
    1. To the tune of: Old MacDonald had a Farm

      Old MacMartok had a farm, e-i-e-i-ooh!
And on that farm he had a targ, e-i-e-i-ooh!
With a grunt, grunt here and a grunt, grunt there,
Here a grunt, there a grunt, everywhere a grunt, grunt,
Old MacMartok had a farm, e-i-e-i-ooh! 

Old MacMartok had a farm, e-i-e-i-ooh!
And on that farm he had a tribble, e-i-e-i-ooh!
With a purr, purr here and a purr, purr there,
Here a purr, there a purr, everywhere a purr, purr,
grunt, grunt here and a grunt, grunt there,
Here a grunt, there a grunt, everywhere a grunt, grunt,
Old MacMartok had a farm, e-i-e-i-ooh!
    1. To the tune of: Let me Call you Sweetheart

      Let me call you par'mach
I'm in love with you
Let me hear you loudly roar you love me too
Growl, kick, claw and bite me with a passion so true
Let me call you par'mach
I'm in love with you

  • Thursday 13: Things I learned from reading Sci-Fi

    1. McNugget’s will some day be all-natural health food, relatively speaking (Caves of Steel, Asimov). Apparently our diet will consist largely of yeast grown in vats.
    2. My cockroach problems really aren’t so bad (Starship Troopers, Heinlein). Mr. Rico has to face giant bugs carrying death rays. Don’t watch the movie, by the way, it does not do the story justice.
    3. Don’t trust your computer (2001, Clarke). One of the early stories about a computer that goes nuts and kills everyone. If you use Windows, you know what I’m talking about.
    4. Don’t drink while sitting on an 8th floor window ledge (Inferno, Niven & Pournelle). The protagonist did this and woke up in Dante’s version of Hell.
    5. You can’t get away from bugs by moving to the desert (Dune, Herbert). Giant sandworms are everywhere. Fortunately, you can ride them.
    6. Asteroids and burritos are a bad combination (The Dragon’s Nine Sons, Roberson). This really cool alternate future history has the Mexic Dominion (a cult nation that worships Mexico’s ancient bloodthirsty gods) on a secret asteroid base.
    7. It’s a bad idea to make Libertarians angry (Freehold, Williamson). This piece of Libertarian science fiction is sort of a Klingon’s version of utopia — justice served by dueling, armed citizens, and a highly efficient military.
    8. It’s a bad idea to set your alarm clock for too early a time (Coyote, Steele). One character wakes up early from cryosleep and has to spend the rest of his life alone on a starship.
    9. Never take your wedding ring off (Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever, Donaldson). In this story about a modern day leper, we find that a white gold wedding ring has enough power to stop all the forces of evil.
    10. Cats are telepathic (On Basilisk Station, Weber). Specifically, the book is referring to a race of six limbed tree cats. But you know the regular ones are telepathic also.
    11. Puns are magic (A Spell for Chameleon, Anthony). I probably read 10 books from this pun-based fantasy series.
    12. Those secret Vatican organizations? They’re here to help (Carpe Demon, Kenner). These books are about what Buffy the Vampire Slayer would be like if she grew up, had kids, and lived in the burbs. The heroine works with a secret demon-fighting organization in the Vatican called Forza Scura.
    13. Make sure you have good health insurance (War of the Worlds, Wells). The big powerful aliens with their war machines all died from the common cold. Apparently, they didn’t even have an HMO.

  • Wedding Dress Pun-ishment

    Katrina Chalifoux of Rockford, Ill. won a contest sponsored by Ripley’s for the best wedding dress made of folded toilet paper. See the ladies below, posing, smiling, flush with pride!

    Katrina’s dress was just charmin’. I hope she keeps up this work, clearly she’s on a roll.

    Thank you, thank you. Tip your waitresses, I’ll be here all week.


    Toilet paper wedding dress picture

  • The New Jabbakins Diet

    Go from this…. …to this in just six weeks! Unfortunately, these are the only things you can eat.